How to get closure after a relationship with a Narcissist – Thrive After Abuse
When a relationship with a Narcissist ends, it feels something more along the lines of this .. I had already blocked him from calling or texting, as well as all of his. In my psychiatric practice I've seen how hard it is for my patients to break up with a partner who's a narcissist. Narcissists can make you fall in love with them so. If you're ending a relationship with a narcissistic partner, be prepared for He terrorized her with endless threatening phone calls and texts.
In fact, your relationship mattered to them for a completely different and more disturbing set of reasons. Narcissists are incapable of forming real bonds with people. But why did they have to create this intense emotional expereince? Why did it have to end so painfully? All the added pain, and drama and lies just seem so…unnecessary.
The reason being is that your suffering lets them know they are important, and the more suffering they can cause, the more important they feel. This is how their ego gets fed. Unfortunately, positive ego strokes compliments, positive feedback and attention, etc. They need to really know that they are significant.
And the best way to do this is often by building someone up to the highest level, and then knocking them down as hard as they can. They want to hear how hurt you are. They want to hear you crying and begging and pleading for them to stay or how crushed you are.
They want to hear how much you loved them with every ounce of your being, and now you are left to pick up the pieces while they move on. A normal person would feel some guilt and sadness about this, but a Narcissist feels elation. They suck the life out of their victims, and then toss them away. After all, your head is probably spinning from just how crazy things happened.
One moment you were in love, and the next they left for someone else. Here we will detail why that is, and what to do instead. Why it Doesn't Work Narcissists look at things differently than the rest of us do. They are guided by emotion. Not logic, not reason and not intelligence. This often causes their perception of things to be very, very different from other people's.
They view everything through the lens of feeling, and their feelings are generally negative, out of control and even frightening to them. This causes their perceptions and experiences to be negative and frightening to them as well.
They believe feelings are facts. That's not just a saying or a metaphor. They actually believe their feelings are facts. If they feel it, it must be true - regardless of whether it makes any sense or if they have proof or anything else. Most people realize that feelings are not reliable. They sometimes make no sense, they're sometimes irrational and they are certainly not facts.
Most of us realize that high emotion can alter perception and that events viewed through the lens of emotion are often not viewed correctly. Narcissists do not understand this. They experience things exactly the opposite way. Events viewed through the lens of emotion are altered in order to fit the emotion. If they are angry at you, everything you do will be perceived negatively, no matter what it is. If you're smiling, you must be laughing at them. If you brought them a sandwich or offered to share your food, there must be something wrong with it.
Even things you did in the past that were OK at the time are now viewed through this lens and found to be evil.
3 Breakup Tactics of People With Narcissistic Behavior
Yesterday, you were washing dishes together and laughing, having fun. No unkind words were said, there were no problems at all. Today, they see it as they were only helping you wash dishes yesterday because you forced them to do it so you can laugh at how much of a slave they are. In reality, the narcissist's "truth" changes with their emotions. When they are angry, you are bad and they hate you. You also hate them and are horribly cruel and evil.
When they are happy, you are good and they love you. You also love them or at least don't hate them and are not mean to them.
Stop Explaining to the Narcissist! Do This Instead
It has nothing to do with actual reality or anything you are actually doing. It is all based on unreasonable, irrational and faulty perceptions. Instead of being seen as an individual human being with your own feelings, you are simply seen as a walking mirror of the narcissist's feelings about themselves. Why We Still Try Because of this hugely divergent way of seeing things, people who are dealing with a narcissist often find themselves looking for a way to bridge the gap.
They find themselves constantly explaining to the narcissist that the narcissist's perception is incorrect or faulty, that the narcissist is adding the wrong things together or coming to ludicrous conclusions based on things that aren't real, weren't said or didn't happen. Rational adults speaking to other adults are going to use reason and logic to try to get their point across.
What else is there to do? This usually works in most people's lives. Compromises are reached, points are made, life goes on. The trouble comes when you find yourself dealing with a seemingly-normal, cognizant person who, five minutes ago was speaking with you like a reasonable, intelligent adult and who now cannot understand even a basic point you are trying to make or simple words you are saying. Worse, they seem to have misunderstood you terribly and are now angry, upset and offended.
So what do you do? As a rational, reasonable person, you try to explain.
In most situations, this would be the right thing to do. With narcissists, it is the exact wrong thing. In actuality, there's been no misunderstanding. At least, not one of the kind most people believe. The misunderstanding is not from you to the narcissist.
It is within the narcissist themselves. They did not hear you wrong. They did not misunderstand what you said.
What happened was that they reacted to their own emotions and blamed it on you. It really has nothing to do with you at all. When you brought them that sandwich, your motive was simply to do something nice and give them a sandwich. They didn't misunderstand that because they did not consider that. They don't care what your motive is.
How to get closure after a relationship with a Narcissist
It's all about what is happening on their internal landscape. And all they are hearing inside is, "You're stupid, you're ugly, you're garbage, you're worthless, no one loves you, they are all laughing at you, they don't care about you You can try to explain that your motives are not negative, that you don't hate the narcissist, you don't think they're garbage, or whatever else but the narcissist has been listening to this internal dialogue their entire life and they are completely and utterly convinced of it.
They're never going to believe you. They're not even going to hear you. Ever notice that it seems like they are listening - and responding - to someone else when you're talking? Someone who is saying completely different things than what you are saying? That's because they are. A Deeper Understanding Narcissists expect to be treated badly because of this very thing.
They therefore look for evidence of it in every single thing other people do.6 Things Narcissists Do After Breaking Up or Divorcing You: NPD, Invalidation, Gaslighting & Divorce
And of course, they find it, mostly because they push and provoke and harass and refuse to accept anything else. For instance, a wife is speaking with her narcissistic husband.