Briefly, you know a drama queen when. 1. unique, special but really they are boring shits for the pattern is always same, with same angle, same typical drama over and over again. . You don't meet a drama queen, you crash into them!. Setting boundaries with a self-destructive drama queen .. Maybe chat briefly next time you see her, pretty soon it will dwindle down to a smile. Drama queens never see themselves as part of the problem. play along with their passive-aggressive behavior, behind-the-back complaints.
This is known as triangulation. My mom, still after three years, keeps trying to contact me on social. It's helpful because each time she pops up on a new network I can block her. Create an email folder for your DQ's messages that skips the inbox or automatically deletes so you never even have to know she's trying to contact you. If you have closer friends who understand the situation, ask them for support. You might feels some guilt. But know that you are doing this for your own mental health and safety.
It's actually not about her at all. It's about you and doing what is best for yourself. Feel free to DM me if you want support. I don't really understand why you're trying to slow fade and aiming for passive avoidance. You seem to be mistaking having a discussion for reaching some kind of agreement about the state of your friendship.
The entirety of this discussion is a text message saying "You have a drinking problem and you need help I can't give you. I am choosing not to be in contact with you for my own mental health.
I will not be responding to messages but I wish you the best of luck getting the help you need. So you have two options. Maybe chat briefly next time you see her, pretty soon it will dwindle down to a smile and nod in the grocery store. I tried for about 20 years to grey rock with my parent. This is also sometimes known as medium chill. A lot of people find it harder to moderate a relationship with someone who is constantly trying to undermine your boundaries, than disengaging from that relationship altogether.
Here is another resource with some advice on medium chill. They have to be. Yes, if that's a thing you feel you can say, then that is absolutely fine to say and keep repeating as needed.
Be a broken record if need be. It'll feel silly but if it works, it works. You do not need to explain yourself, at all. And I would consider fading by never responding quickly, but always after a while a longer while each time or not at all.
Not responding is probably the best reaction. Be unavailable to her. If you meet in person and she confronts you, repeat your mantra: I feel like the one thing missing is a short, clear, explicit statement linking the two: I have decided I don't want you in my life because of that behaviour. Please don't contact me again - I will ignore all atempts at further contact. If you say "I need some space", you open yourself up to her having the idea that once your life has settled you'll come back to her, that maybe you're having a hard time and need her as a friend, or that maybe she can negotiate.
You don't owe her additional explanation. You're allowed to just say, "I don't want to talk about things with you. Please do not contact me anymore," and then block her. Is that a bit harsh? Yeah, but nicer methods leave all kinds of face-saving ambiguity and loopholes that someone like this will immediately exploit to keep things going.
Be harsh if you have to. People like this rely on the social expectation that if they start a conversation, the other person will feel obligated to take up that conversation.
It's rude not to respond when someone is talking to you. But you know what? Sometimes you have to bite the bullet and be rude. There's not necessarily a "nice" way to cut someone out of your life. No, because that's a reply, and will only encourage her. You don't owe this person an explanation.
You don't owe her anything. If you don't want her in your life, you're completely entitled to behave as if she doesn't exist. You can go completely blank with her. Don't respond to texts. If she calls, hang up. If she turns up on your front doorstep, shut the door in her face.
If she meets you in the street or at a social gathering, look her straight in the eye and say nothing and step around her. If she gets in your face or starts yelling, just maintain a blank face while you look her levelly in the eye and wait for the noises coming out of her mouth to stop, then step around her and walk on as before.
The only thing you might ever consider saying to her is "Please step aside and let me pass. The risks inherent in taking this line are that she will physically assault you or damage your property, in which case you report the incident to police and let them deal with it, or attempt to trash your reputation in which case you don't bother doing anything at all. People clue in pretty fast when a DQ starts trash-talking, so any reputational damage she does manage to cause you will be very very temporary.
If other people ask why you're apparently shunning this person, you just tell them you don't need the drama. If they ask you what drama, you tell them you don't want to talk about it and change the subject. Don't talk to her and don't talk about her. Once she works out she's never going to get anything at all from you, she'll go create drama with somebody else whose buttons are easier to press. No explanation, no nothing. She may escalate, just ignore her.
I know it's hard, but just do it. If other people try to get involved tell them you're not interested in talking about her, and if they're good friends, just tell them more seriously that their involvement isn't appreciated and you want them to stop. This is both the healthiest thing and, believe it or not, the kindest thing that you can do. It's not great to leave open the expectation that you'll fix things when you won't. Better to rip off the bandaid.
3 Steps to Stop Being a Drama Queen - Hugh Culver
Grey rock is cool and all, but iceberg works faster. And look, it won't feel good. If you do it right, you'll walk away from every interaction with her feeling like you just smacked a puppy over the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
But you'll get over that. Essentially, the thing to keep in mind is that she does not actually care about your feelings, not one tiny bit, except insofar as she can exert some kind of control over you by manipulating them; but being another person's involuntary emotional slave is not something any of us are obligated to do, and there is nothing at all inappropriate about meeting that kind of rudeness with an implacable ice wall of blank chilly rudeness of your own.
It seems like, short term at least, it will be more drama. You can say "I don't want any more contact with you" but she's not likely to respect that, will get more agitated, will talk more about you to others, and you're going to run into her again sooner or later - probably sooner - and then there's going to be more drama. It doesn't sound like you are concerned that she might be violent with you, so If you think saying some version of that script will make it stop, then go for it.
Pick something that feels okay to you. I guess I misunderstood [because I thought perhaps you were someone who could be helped]. Then, as suggested above, keep being busy with other stuff. This is not about making an excuse that she'll accept, it's about giving yourself real and healthy things to fill up your life, and a real reason to stay away from her circle. If you really think you can pull off no contact, go for it. Just expect a lot of resistance.
What I did was this: I was very clear with her that I care for her and I'm sorry she's suffering as people with BPD type behaviors are in a ton of mental distressbut this friendship is not working for me. I wished her well and said I needed to end the friendship for now.
Perhaps after she's gotten help and feels more solid we could try again, but not now. This woman needs help and it's sad but you're not only helping yourself by walking away, you're helping her. If you happen to run into her, be kind and polite and make it quick.
Sure, you have the right to, but then you're avoiding bars like you did last night, etc etc. You have to be one of the more boring things in her life. Shutting her out suddenly is dramatic. I know of none.
The appearance of drama addicts in one's social circle is just one of those piss-poor parts of life that happens sometimes, like getting in car accidents or tracking dog's mess down the hall carpet.
It's genuinely unpleasant, it costs time and effort to deal with, and it's just a general pain in the arse. Some degree of drama is inevitable. But you're not the first person she's ever been stonewalled by, you won't be the last, and she will get bored by your stonewalling faster than she gets bored by any other thing you could possibly do. It takes effort to create drama.
So yes, drama there will certainly be, but it will be she who has to exert all the effort required to create it because all you're doing is watching in tired resignation as it flares and heaves and blasts around you; you're not actually feeding it. But shitstorms are like thunderstorms. Every now and then you get caught in one, and it's a nuisance, and it's unpleasant while you're in it. But it will pass. But you're in no way obligated to be the person who provides it, especially once she's already blown off all the good advice you've already given her.
Because the sad thing about mental illness is that short of involuntary incarceration and forced medication, the only way it ever improves is if the person experiencing it a wants it to and b takes steps to make that happen.
Continuing to create exactly the same kind of drama that raised your red flags in the first place doesn't count as either of those. So I've decided to go no contact. Please do not get in touch with me again. I think this person could very possibly escalate into the kind of harassment and persistent contact attempts that will require you to involve law enforcement.
If you need to file a restraining order or involve the police, they will want to see a message from you to her telling her to stop contacting you. So send her one, short, unambiguous message. Please stop contacting me. What she wants is attention, and once you give an inch, she'll take a mile. Nothing you can ever say to her is ever, ever going to be enough and she won't ever stop.
Go no contact now. When you run into her in public, go for something like a mumbled "oh no not this again" to whoever you're with, "I'm not in the mood for your shit" if you have to say something to her, and then ignore her or leave. I'd talk to your other friends about the situation, chances are good that they're not into her drama either. If they're up for a coded signal for all of you to leave or huddle up and ignore her or talk loudly about things she's not involved in, do that.
If they're not going to back you up, be prepared to leave on your own. Do not talk to her. It won't ever end. Not gossiping, but making sure at least a few people know you're cutting her off and will have your back, or at least not indulge her in complaints and further drama-making that involves you. There are no magic words that will de-escalate this one. Just no contact, no communications, blank stares in person, etc.
My instincts are telling me that is best and many of your replies have validated some niggling concerns that is she more unwell than any of us are aware of, whatever that unwellness may be. And that any reply will be seen as attention. It will be hard but I see what she does and I will give no fuel to it, with her or with anyone else.
There is nothing to discuss. This was a time when outside perspectives really helped. This is not your wound to tend.
Take care of yourself. I'm going to add one more piece of advice for the future, to avoid replicating this dynamic. You may well already have learned this lesson, though!
When I See You Again - Wikipedia
You have known this girl for six months, so it must have been meaningfully less when the problems started. Unless your relationship started with her saving your life or giving your mom a kidney, you never should have started in with attempts to seriously address the life problems of someone you barely knew.
You responded to bids for attention that were vastly disproportionate to the nature of your existing relationship; naturally she read that as vulnerability to her particular techniques of entanglement and zeroed in.
Not blaming you for her behavior, just pointing out the dynamic. From the way you describe everything that's happened, it seems like maybe you haven't yet understood this, but you are not required to agree with other people's assessment of their relevance and importance in your life.
The first time someone you've known for two months throws a drink in your face etc. That was your mistake. You became someone who would pay attention to her and who cared. I will give you a tip about small town life. Don't get involved in other people's drama.
Martha Stewart smile, let your eyes drift and then find something very interesting on the other side of the room. Unless it's your sister or life long bff, stay the fuck out of it.
It'll come back to haunt you.
As you are finding going no contact in a small community borders on the impossible, especially when you are similar in age and socio-eocnomic status.
If she's persistent you will have to become a hermit because see above: They'll smile and nod to your face when you rant about it, then drift away from the conversation as soon as they can and not change a thing about their behavior. If you want this girl to back off you probably need to tell her bluntly in a way that makes it clear you're not going to feed the drama which you are doing now.
Just a "fuck off Cheryl, I don't want to deal with your drunk ass, OK? Be passive and let her do what she's gonna do. Let the other people deal with her as they want. Concentrate on your friendships and enjoying your life. If you get obsessed over controlling the outcome here you'll be miserable because she's not going anywhere, ever. One of the obvious signs may be that they tell everyone they aren't a drama queen. According to psychologist Dr. Nate Regier, author of the book, Conflict without Casualties, instead of trying to manage or minimize conflict, people need to use it as a source of energy that spurs innovation, trust, and increased engagement.
The following is a guest post from Dr. Regier that explains how to tell if you're working with a drama queen, and what you can do about it. I was signing books after a recent speaking engagement and a woman approached me quite excited about the "no drama" stickers we were giving away. She asked if she could take a handful of stickers, then proudly announced to all who could hear, "I'm going to put this on my office door because I don't do drama and I don't tolerate drama.
Here are five signs that you're working with a drama queen. Zero tolerance for drama The first sign of a drama queen is someone who says, "I don't do drama! Simply outlawing the behavior fails to recognize two important facts; conflict is a natural part of life, and nature hates a vacuum. You can't expect people to stop engaging in self-reinforcing behaviors without an adequate replacement.
Not only that, the belief that, "I don't do drama," is naive.
Everyone does drama to some degree. Zero accountability for behavior Drama queens never see themselves as part of the problem. There is always someone else or something else to blame. If they blame themselves and play the victim role, it's a ploy to get attention and avoid being open about how they feel or what they want.
Trolling for drama allies Drama invites drama. Drama queens need to find more drama to keep the game going. So, they seek out others to play along with their passive-aggressive behavior, behind-the-back complaints, sarcasm, and avoidance.
This is called gossip. Favorite hangouts for drama queens include; Facebook, e-mail, the company break room, and team meetings.